Wednesday, April 8, 2015


Time to get real guys, perhaps it's a bit off topic but sometimes I have to talk about the things outside of gaming systems and nerd culture. Some times I feel compelled to post the real deal things rattling around inside my head. This is such a time and this is such a post...


Look at that, majestic as fuck...
I'm not a good man. For those that have witnessed the majesty of my beard, you might wonder what I mean. How can I doubt that I am an example of the masculine. While I definitely have the hardware, I apparently am lacking in the software department. Let me explain.

Though I’ve sired a son, it is seen by some as unseemly that I stay home with him. I noted this nearly three years ago when my wife and I learned of the pregnancy, I saw it when I told friends and family of our decision that I would be a stay at home dad. As an aunt put it “how progressive of you”, it should be noted this aunt is a staunch conservative who couldn’t repress a certain sneer as she said it. Her husband mere minutes later found me to set me straight, “That girl is pregnant, you gotta do the right thing and get a good job somewhere to support your family.”

Never mind the fact that my wife was already established in a profession she loves. That he effectively suggested to me during the course of our conversation that it was time to step up, to be a man, and that play time was over. Time for my wife to take her place at home with our son, and for me to be the provider that God wanted me to be. I’m paraphrasing, but not much...
In the years that followed I’ve recognized the disapproving looks, caught more than a few interrupted conversations when I’ve come to a pocket of excited discussion and laughter. It’s bothered me, but not enough to “man up” in the eyes of those who can’t understand reality.

First, this needs to be said: my wife is an equal partner in this relationship. I would not presume to tell her what she can and cannot do, for instance I would not presume to tell her she needs to stay home with the kid so I can find a good job, because she’s a human being.

Further, it would be fiscally irresponsible to ask someone who’s established in her career to give it up in favor of my rolling the dice in an attempt to “be a man”. Why does that have to be the only option? Actually, there is a third option that we haven’t covered at this point.
This is something my wife and I discussed, I put off college. As time went on, I’ve been putting it further and further into the distance, for a variety of reasons. Right now though, we both agree our son is the most important person in our family. Though certainly I could find a job; even a decent one, and leave our child with a sitter or daycare there’s also some marked benefits to one or more parents being home with the child. I take him seriously, I take his life and continuing education seriously. It’s a responsibility I’d rather take on myself than relegate to someone else.

Even after he’s started school I think my future career plans look different than they did prior to his existence. My wife’s already a teacher, I now have reservations about becoming an educator myself because I see regularly how much it takes from her daily. If we’re both teachers, that means there’s not really anyone to attend parent teacher conferences, there’s more strain to the family schedule in general. Because both of our available time would be limited by facilitating the education of other peoples kids, which is a job that doesn’t end at 4pm, regardless of what you might think.

So my job prospects are definitely looking different than I expected, but even now I’m on a different job entirely.

There’s no polite way to put this, but people suck. I’ve been called a good housewife for doing laundry and other household chores. Interestingly, not everyone whose made this observation had parts dangling between their legs (at least I assume they don’t, maybe that’s my bad). However you want to phrase it, the “Honey Do List”, “Woman’s Work”, etc all of it is utter bullshit. Why? Because frankly, if you live in the house and benefit from things like clean clothes, hot meals, and working toilets you should be willing to make the effort to make those things happen.

Full disclosure, I readily admit my deficiency in this area. I’m not perfect, in a lot of ways I feel like an old computer trying to process a new subroutine. Sort of like a ten year old Laptop running Linux (coincidentally what I’m writing this on currently). It works, and it tries really hard but it’s not without it’s problems, and sometimes it leaves you wanting (sorry Brandy, I know).

I continue to work at being better daily, but I realize that sometimes I fall short. I also realize I’m very privileged to be in the position that I am in. Not just because I’m a white male living in a society that generally favors that particular combination of genetics. But also because I get to stay home with my son in the first place, my wife’s career goes a very long way in making that possible. I get to take part in his early life, and have for the past two and a half years.

So, maybe I’m not a real man for folding towels and cooking dinner. So be it, call me Karen from now on if it makes you feel better. Won’t change anything, but I might just have a new name for you as a result...




  1. I miss being a stay-at-home dad. I sure did enjoy doing it before I got my new job. Luckily my wife was able to start working from home when I had to move states to work and has been able to continue once she moved up to join me. Don't let people get you down. Enjoy the time you have with your child and rest easy in the knowledge you're providing them the greatest gift a parent can give: time.

  2. My wife earns more then me, and i don't feel like less of A MAN for it, we also have a son, and i wish i could be a stay at home dad for him, in truth i already do most of the house work anyway.
    Everybody has their own agenda Khaas, follow your own and you will have a great relationship with your Lad.